He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
