I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
