google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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