it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
