fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
