just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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