not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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