Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
