90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
