Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
