Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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