Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
