I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
