I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
