some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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