just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
