If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
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