I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
