are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
