20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
