Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
