I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
