My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
