Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
