Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
