Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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