I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
