I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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