I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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