Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
