the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
