so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
