When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
