Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
