I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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