I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
