Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
