that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
