apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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