you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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