ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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