i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
