and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
