Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
