She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
