Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
