And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
