He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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