sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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