he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
